Loving Kindness and Integral Assessment

Boy oh boy! This exercise this week was a bit hard for me. I've typed this response on several occasions and just have not been able to get through it without breaking down. It made me think of the last time I talked to my father before he died. I'd always had a very close relationship with my father even though he was not living in the same household as I was. As I grew older our relationship slowly started slipping away. Even though we did not see each other as much we did still talk on a regular basis. The week before he died I had planned to make a trip to Arkansas (his hometown) with him for Christmas but my grandmother became ill and I couldn't go. He still went and he was still trying to get me to catch a later flight there but I didn't want to leave my grandmother while she was in the hospital. Two days later and one week before Christmas in 2009 he suddenly died with no indication to anyone that he was not feeling well. This meditation made me think of the last time I talked to him and how rushed the conversation was because I was at work. I wish on a daily basis that I could hear his voice again. This also made me think about others who have lost a parent/parents and who probably go through the exact same thing I was going through at this very moment. I don't feel that anyone is undeserving of love and though I know there are people who don't always get along with their parents, I realize that there was not a day that went by that I did not show and tell both of my parents how much I loved them except that last conversation I had with my father. Time is too valuable to waste on having ill feelings towards a parent. Now that I only have one living parent I do as much as I can for her and I talk to her and tell her on a daily basis how much she is loved. There is no reason whatsoever to ever allow my mind, body, or spirit to have ill feelings towards anyone because I know just how much it hurts to know that the very last time I spoke to my dad I didn't tell him that I loved him.

Doing this exercise and assessment made me discover that I have a need that is pulling at my subconscious to be more spiritual. I have not been to church in a while and I don't attend services on a regular basis, mainly because of work. I have chosen the spiritual area of my life to be the focus of growth and development. I've said it before and I will say it again; I need to get back to church. This is the time when I need to re-evaluate everything in my life and do some adjusting so that I can start back to going to church. Other than going to church I can pray and meditate a bit more. Increased spirituality will help to foster greater wellness for me.